A little of this, a little of that

I no longer wish to be a Medical Examiner. I just saw the Y-incision made on a corpse and realized it's more than I can handle. Darn, I thought dead bodies would be easier to work with than live ones. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not trying to be insensitive to life, I'm simply fascinated with the medical field. Guess I should stick to invertebrate dissections for now.

Does anyone read Patricia Cornwell? I love her writing! They've now made movies from her novels. I recorded one last night but haven't watched it yet. I can't read the books at night because they freak me out so I haven't braved the movie just yet. I hate scary movies, but her novels are forensic mysteries that I can't put down. I must see for myself if the movie comes even close to measuring up. It's times like this when I get a little bit sad about living by myself. I'm a pretty realistic person (aside from my adventures) but how could I possibly watch something like that and then sleep through the night? Not very likely.

...

Last weekend I went to Santa Barbara to visit some friends. By the time I got back home I had my mind made up that I was going to move there for the summer and take some classes. I walked through the campus with a friend during my visit and was overwhelmed with a longing to be exposed to that academic environment again. It's amazing that I can be away from it for four years, but the second I step back onto campus I'm overcome with a yearning to submerse myself back into that culture. In theory I had it all worked out; the courses, the living situation, what to do about things here, how long it would last... For a week I kept the idea alive, and then I let it go. Who was I kidding? Just myself for a week's time. No matter how hard I try to keep myself from growing roots, little by little I'm getting tied down. I hate growing up.

Tomorrow is back to the grind. Working 60+ hours every week has finally taken its toll. Lately I begin and end my weeks just looking forward to the weekends. Is that what life is like? I know a lot of people can relate to that feeling, but I always promised myself I wouldn't be one of them. I wonder if it's just because I'm reaching the end of the year. A large part of me is excited to send my seniors out into the world. Man they're tough to deal with day after day at this point in the year. I'm pretty sure I was no different. On the most challenging days, I think back to what I must have put my teachers through and feel so sorry for them. This must be the punishment I deserve. Haha. Most of me is excited to send them out and to see what they become (okay and part of me is excited just to send them on to something new) but there's also part of me that gets a little bit sad when I think about it. For the handful of them who I have grown close to over the past two years, it's a bittersweet time to think that soon they will be moving on.

Friday night I went out to dinner with four sets of parents who have seniors currently in my classes, and one of the other coaches. Listening to the parents talk to each other about their kids and what kinds of changes this next year will bring to their family dynamics was quite touching, and also kind of sad. I don't think I could possibly get any closer to parenting without becoming one myself. I love my students. Every last one of them. But the more I teach, the more I wonder if the lifestyle that society expects of me is really the lifestyle that I want for myself. Do I have the energy it takes to commit to someone for a lifetime or to raise other lives for the rest of mine? Marriage and children is the happily ever after dream that every little girl aspires to, but the more grown up I become the less appeal it has. I'm just not sure.

...

In these next five days I have a staff meeting to train for testing, an AVID meeting to discuss certification, a BTSA meeting to wrap up strand 2 of my portfolio (including several reports I've yet to write), bible study, a swim meet, team pictures, a swim tournament, and three letters of recommendation to write. Lucky for me I ended up having to cancel the field trip to Monterey Bay Aquarium that was planned for tomorrow and Open House got moved from next Monday to next month. Next week, though, I have an awards banquet dinner to attend for one of my athletes, Club Lunch to coordinate with my team, timers to find and train for our only home swim meet of the season, Senior Day to plan (including gifts for all 15 of them), and three days of state testing to proctor. Heaven help us make it through April.

So. I'm in need of some fun time. For once I don't want to learn anything new. I don't want to be the mature, professional adult. I don't want to be the mom or the overachiever or take care of everyone else or even worry about tomorrow. For a short bit of time, somewhere between now and five days from now, I just want to have fun. What can I do this week that's all play and no work? Even if just for 30 minutes, I need to find something to look forward to in this long week ahead. Something that will make me smile and will stop my mind's wheels from turning 100mph, even if just for 30 minutes. Something that will make me laugh- long and hard. Stay tuned next weekend for an update on what I did to achieve this nonsense, but oh-so-important, new short term goal of mine. :)

This is me reporting out from the base of another 60 hour climb. Have a great week!