Living with Character

If you had to list five characteristics of yourself, what would you say? Could you say them with certainty? Do you think they change throughout life? At what point can you really decide on five solid traits?

The actual growing up part of my life didn't start until college. I'd faced struggles before, but that was the first time in my life that I faced change completely on my own. I no longer had my parents by my side at the end of each day to step in if things outgrew what I thought I could manage. I had to figure it out. I no longer had my friends by my side, who I'd known for most of my life, who really knew me without having to ask questions. I was in a new world where questions were lined up at the door and I was standing there alone, without all the familiar things surrounding me that I had, for a lifetime at that point, identified with as making me, me. There was no one to hide behind or look to for answers. In college, I had to figure out the road alone.

I spent a lot of time in those short four years discovering who I was, then contemplating who I wanted to be, then modifying what I was, and finally just accepting the person I had been all along.

There are certain traits I have possessed through life as far back as I can remember. Those are the ones I resent from time to time and the ones I've tried, to no avail, to change. They are the traits that become my label no matter how many different groups of friends I make or how many different cities I live in. They make me me. At what point do we fully release any ideas of changing ourselves and just learn to love who we are?

I'm not saying I resent myself or the life that I live. Far from it; I think I've been incredibly blessed with a great life and I'm happy with the person I've become. But, there is that little spark inside me that never goes out; that spark that keeps me striving for more, keeps me standing in the road to change and keeps me looking for what's ahead. In my church there is a well known saying, "God loves you just the way you are, but He loves you too much to keep you there." If that phrase doesn't speak to you then maybe you've heard this next one. It's a pretty popular quote- we even have it painted on the wall of our locker room at the pool. It states, "Shoot for the moon, even if you fall you'll land among the stars." Whether a natural instinct or a God-inspired drive, we all have that spark that keeps us working for more. We know we aren't perfect, we know we never will be, but we don't stop striving for it throughout our lives.

I've gone a little off track here but let me pull it all together. Think back to those five traits. Which of them are characteristics that really identify who you are? They make you you, clear down to the core. Maybe they're things that you've resented from time to time and tried to shake at various phases of life. Maybe they're things that you identified years ago and have learned to cherish through the good and the bad. Now separate them out. Which ones are genuine traits? I mean traits that would stick with you even if you were picked up this very second and dropped off in some other city, of some other country, on some other continent where you had to start all over from scratch. My life's journeys this far have taught me that no matter where you go and no matter who you do life with, those traits will find a way to shine through. I don't think that means we have to like them all the time, I sure resent mine on occasion, but we do have to recognize them as our own. For that fact, I think it's okay to work towards change and to allow that spark to burn. No matter what experiences life brings, no matter what goals we might set our hearts to, we don't really change all that much down at our core. It's our connection to our past and to each other as we live out our own paths of life.

So here's to us! May we learn to love the little details that make us who we are and may we cherish each other for them, even while we strive to grow.

Happy Mother's Day!

I am so grateful for my mom- every day, but especially the day set aside for her when I really stop to reflect on what she means to me. She deserves it. It's funny how much we take for granted as children. Mom's are just doing their jobs. We're so quick to scream about it when things don't go our way and so blind to all the things that run perfectly; all because Mom was there planning, organizing, and doing. As a child I used to be naive enough to think that when I grew up I'd pay her back for everything she did for me. I can't believe all of the sacrifices she made for our family over the years and can't even fathom all of the ones I never knew about. I understand now, as an adult, that it's not about paying back but about paying forward. We take what we learn from our moms and re-invest it in the generations below us. And so the world turns. How blessed I am to have her as my mom. :)

Decisions

Today was finals for our league meet. Halfway through the meet they took a break for the coaches relay. Each team was supposed to participate. It was a medley which means four people each swam 50 yards- one for each of the four strokes. I took backstroke by default; no one else wanted to swim it. And I got killed. Did I mention I got killed? Ugh so embarrassing. I raced against three guys. One of them swims masters, meaning he goes to actual swim practice before work each morning. The other one is a dedicated gym member, workout plan and all, who has been practicing for today for weeks. The final one lives for swim. And I thought this was just something fun for our athletes. Oh man my stomach was in knots. I miss participating but oh how I had forgotten about how it gets to me. On the up side, I was also nervous about my athletes critiquing me after the fact. I've spent the last four months fine-tuning their strokes and today they all watched me. Luckily none of them said anything. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe they felt sorry for me since I lost. We'll see what comes out on Monday.

I need to get away from the high school world for a bit.

We have five more days of practice and then we head down for playoffs next Saturday. I'm having a lot of difficulty motivating my kids at this point in the season. I can't say I blame them. We've been at it since Feb 1st and swimming isn't exactly the most exciting sport. To make things worse, playoffs are the same day as prom. If getting them to compete for one more week was a difficult task, taking them out of town the morning and afternoon of prom for the last competition is almost impossible. I am so worn out of making them do things they don't want to and being the rule enforcer. I don't know how parents do what they do day in and day out, without an off season. Speaking of off season, water polo starts this week.

To coach or not to coach? I thought I'd made up my mind not to coach polo this upcoming season. My parents never believed it and the other coaches never accepted it. Guess the only one I had convinced was myself, but I've even changed my mind. I want to do it because I like being involved, I love the rush of the crazy schedule, I want to stick with my freshmen and be part of their growth, I want to continue to develop in the sport and be better at it this year, and I enjoy hanging out with the other coaches. I don't want to do it because it takes up so much of my time that I almost reach the point of going crazy. I'm afraid it takes too much away from my real job and I don't feel qualified enough to do it. If I don't coach I will have more time to develop my professional skills, to focus on my students, and to plan out swim season for next year (I'm not giving that up.) At the same time, it's mostly the same kids that participate in polo and swim. I would hate to make them feel like I'm giving up on them. I don't know what to do.

I went out of town last weekend with some amazing friends. It was the perfect weekend get-away. One conversation in particular brought up hobbies. In discussion, I realized I don't really have much to say about them anymore. I don't know what I do outside of teaching and coaching. Even my social life revolves around those two things now. That can't be healthy. So I'm in search of some hobbies. This summer I'm taking a break from teaching. I may or may not be taking a break from coaching (depending on what happens with polo) but even so it won't take up all my time. I need something new to shift my focus to. Any ideas? Suggestions welcomed. :)