Happy Days with a Heavy Heart

I just realized I only keep up with this during school. Is it that my life is only interesting when I work? I'm choosing to think that I just have a lot more weighing on my mind during the school year. It's easy to be carefree when you're only looking after yourself. Ah, it was a relaxing summer. :)

Tomorrow marks the end of three weeks back in school. Today was the third piece of student news I've been given this school year that broke my heart. I am kept in a continuous state of shock by how much students are willing to share about their personal lives. I am kept in a constant state of prayer by the sheer number of horrible things these poor kids experience. It's horrendous and yet amazing at what they go through, and what they overcome. Every day they walk in with smiles on their faces and leave knowing they're returning to a mountain they're forced to climb. If nothing else, I hope everyone who reads this takes a moment to count their blessings and appreciate even the smallest of things in life. Life is fleeting.

The first week of school ended with my second funeral since I started teaching. Last spring I attended a service for the father of one of my students who lost a long battle to cancer. That whole situation was hard and I'd hoped to never do it again. Two weeks ago I attended a service for one of my athletes who graduated only a year ago. I couldn't possibly explain that situation well enough to do it any justice here, nor do I think the story belongs in a blog. Let it rest with these few details: I went to the service expecting to be strong for all of my current students and athletes that were in attendance and devastated. Instead I ended up a sobbing mess myself. It was good to grieve for him and with them. I struggled a little bit to find the positive in the situation. What good could possibly come from the death of a 19 year old who had his whole life ahead of him? I have found comfort in two answers. The first is that it brought many of us closer together. Our sports team has always remained close-knit, both past and current members, but this brought us to a whole new level of family. The second is that I was reminded, on the deepest level, that life is short and every minute counts. So I am going to approach this year, not stressed about the details or worried about the unfinished to-do's, but taking advantage of every opportunity I have to show people how important they are to me. You never know when your time might be up. I don't want to leave with a single person wondering whether or not they were important to me. I'm going to do my best to live each day to its fullest. And that realization is going to keep my athlete alive in memory.

The second situation came the same night that I found out about the first one. It was a current student who was torn apart by the news. Grieving, without a parental figure to turn to for comfort, I became a confidante. Again, I don't feel comfortable sharing a story that doesn't belong to me but I will share some of my realizations from it. This is a student that I've seen almost five days a week for the duration of time I've been teaching; a student that comes to school every day with a smile, with sheer confidence in attitude and demeanor, and ready to work hard. This young adult outshines peers as a student and as an athlete. In two years I never once would have guessed that so much was going on behind the scenes. It's amazing to me that a teenage can be forced to deal with so much in personal issues and yet "appear" so "normal" on the outside. My heart broke all over again to know that story. I wanted to shake my fist to the air in frustration that life is so unfair at times. I have resolved to be the best that I can be for this student; the best teacher I can be, the best coach I can be, the best mentor I can be. The rest I will leave to prayer that life may be easier one day and that many valuable lessons will be learned, and eventually appreciated, from such trials.

That all started the eve of my birthday. Let's just say my birthday seemed like such a small matter this year compared to how I've ever viewed it before. I didn't even get excited about it. However, with all my new realizations I was very grateful to have it. How fortunate I am to turn another year older and have so many things to be thankful for!

Last week, in comparison, was an incredibly mellow five days of teaching. By the end, I was actually fool enough to think that I might have a normal school year moving forward. Instead, it was the emotional break I needed in order to recover from the first week and gear up for this one. Today I had a student approach me at the start of class and hand me something in writing. It was a homemade autobiography booklet that the student wanted to share with me. I read it the following period with hair standing on end. Why do these kids have to face such huge challenges? This student faces an incurable disease. The story was about receiving the news, personal thoughts and feelings about the situation, and struggles with "friends" finding out and proving to be a disappointment. A thousand thoughts were running through my mind; they still haven't stopped long enough to piece them all together. How am I supposed to react to such news as a teacher? Last year I took a head-on approach and created a unit on cancer because I feel that it's something a lot of people encounter and that it's my responsibility as an educator to provide my students with knowledge to understand it. Then I had three separate students break down about parents undergoing aggressive chemo treatments. I talked about nutrition and the value of balanced meals and I was sought out by a student battling bulimia. Do I find a way to incorporate this new topic into our curriculum this year? It's definitely possible, but is it in the best interest of the student? Do I have a role to play in this situation, or have I already fulfilled it?

How is it possible that so many kids have so many challenges going on in their lives? Is it normal for one teacher to encounter so many hurting students? I don't know how anyone goes into this profession without faith on their side. I can't imagine facing these students without hope in my heart for them.

I know this post seems negative and hopeless, but that's not my intention in writing it. These situations weigh heavy on my heart and it's nice to get the stories out. They affect me because I care about my kids, but they don't change me. I am growing into a stronger person because I'm doing life with them. I have come to realize how important the small things are and I have started taking time to appreciate them. I hope that you don't walk away sad and defeated, but instead lifted up and ready to face the challenge of making every minute count. Live your life to the fullest. Appreciate what you have. Tell others how you feel. Share your happiness. Be giving with your compliments. Smile. It's amazing how the small things can brighten any day.

To all my friends reading this- thank you for making a positive contribution to my life. I appreciate you more than you know.