I just realized I only keep up with this during school. Is it that my life is only interesting when I work? I'm choosing to think that I just have a lot more weighing on my mind during the school year. It's easy to be carefree when you're only looking after yourself. Ah, it was a relaxing summer. :)
Tomorrow marks the end of three weeks back in school. Today was the third piece of student news I've been given this school year that broke my heart. I am kept in a continuous state of shock by how much students are willing to share about their personal lives. I am kept in a constant state of prayer by the sheer number of horrible things these poor kids experience. It's horrendous and yet amazing at what they go through, and what they overcome. Every day they walk in with smiles on their faces and leave knowing they're returning to a mountain they're forced to climb. If nothing else, I hope everyone who reads this takes a moment to count their blessings and appreciate even the smallest of things in life. Life is fleeting.
The first week of school ended with my second funeral since I started teaching. Last spring I attended a service for the father of one of my students who lost a long battle to cancer. That whole situation was hard and I'd hoped to never do it again. Two weeks ago I attended a service for one of my athletes who graduated only a year ago. I couldn't possibly explain that situation well enough to do it any justice here, nor do I think the story belongs in a blog. Let it rest with these few details: I went to the service expecting to be strong for all of my current students and athletes that were in attendance and devastated. Instead I ended up a sobbing mess myself. It was good to grieve for him and with them. I struggled a little bit to find the positive in the situation. What good could possibly come from the death of a 19 year old who had his whole life ahead of him? I have found comfort in two answers. The first is that it brought many of us closer together. Our sports team has always remained close-knit, both past and current members, but this brought us to a whole new level of family. The second is that I was reminded, on the deepest level, that life is short and every minute counts. So I am going to approach this year, not stressed about the details or worried about the unfinished to-do's, but taking advantage of every opportunity I have to show people how important they are to me. You never know when your time might be up. I don't want to leave with a single person wondering whether or not they were important to me. I'm going to do my best to live each day to its fullest. And that realization is going to keep my athlete alive in memory.
The second situation came the same night that I found out about the first one. It was a current student who was torn apart by the news. Grieving, without a parental figure to turn to for comfort, I became a confidante. Again, I don't feel comfortable sharing a story that doesn't belong to me but I will share some of my realizations from it. This is a student that I've seen almost five days a week for the duration of time I've been teaching; a student that comes to school every day with a smile, with sheer confidence in attitude and demeanor, and ready to work hard. This young adult outshines peers as a student and as an athlete. In two years I never once would have guessed that so much was going on behind the scenes. It's amazing to me that a teenage can be forced to deal with so much in personal issues and yet "appear" so "normal" on the outside. My heart broke all over again to know that story. I wanted to shake my fist to the air in frustration that life is so unfair at times. I have resolved to be the best that I can be for this student; the best teacher I can be, the best coach I can be, the best mentor I can be. The rest I will leave to prayer that life may be easier one day and that many valuable lessons will be learned, and eventually appreciated, from such trials.
That all started the eve of my birthday. Let's just say my birthday seemed like such a small matter this year compared to how I've ever viewed it before. I didn't even get excited about it. However, with all my new realizations I was very grateful to have it. How fortunate I am to turn another year older and have so many things to be thankful for!
Last week, in comparison, was an incredibly mellow five days of teaching. By the end, I was actually fool enough to think that I might have a normal school year moving forward. Instead, it was the emotional break I needed in order to recover from the first week and gear up for this one. Today I had a student approach me at the start of class and hand me something in writing. It was a homemade autobiography booklet that the student wanted to share with me. I read it the following period with hair standing on end. Why do these kids have to face such huge challenges? This student faces an incurable disease. The story was about receiving the news, personal thoughts and feelings about the situation, and struggles with "friends" finding out and proving to be a disappointment. A thousand thoughts were running through my mind; they still haven't stopped long enough to piece them all together. How am I supposed to react to such news as a teacher? Last year I took a head-on approach and created a unit on cancer because I feel that it's something a lot of people encounter and that it's my responsibility as an educator to provide my students with knowledge to understand it. Then I had three separate students break down about parents undergoing aggressive chemo treatments. I talked about nutrition and the value of balanced meals and I was sought out by a student battling bulimia. Do I find a way to incorporate this new topic into our curriculum this year? It's definitely possible, but is it in the best interest of the student? Do I have a role to play in this situation, or have I already fulfilled it?
How is it possible that so many kids have so many challenges going on in their lives? Is it normal for one teacher to encounter so many hurting students? I don't know how anyone goes into this profession without faith on their side. I can't imagine facing these students without hope in my heart for them.
I know this post seems negative and hopeless, but that's not my intention in writing it. These situations weigh heavy on my heart and it's nice to get the stories out. They affect me because I care about my kids, but they don't change me. I am growing into a stronger person because I'm doing life with them. I have come to realize how important the small things are and I have started taking time to appreciate them. I hope that you don't walk away sad and defeated, but instead lifted up and ready to face the challenge of making every minute count. Live your life to the fullest. Appreciate what you have. Tell others how you feel. Share your happiness. Be giving with your compliments. Smile. It's amazing how the small things can brighten any day.
To all my friends reading this- thank you for making a positive contribution to my life. I appreciate you more than you know.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Living with Character
If you had to list five characteristics of yourself, what would you say? Could you say them with certainty? Do you think they change throughout life? At what point can you really decide on five solid traits?
The actual growing up part of my life didn't start until college. I'd faced struggles before, but that was the first time in my life that I faced change completely on my own. I no longer had my parents by my side at the end of each day to step in if things outgrew what I thought I could manage. I had to figure it out. I no longer had my friends by my side, who I'd known for most of my life, who really knew me without having to ask questions. I was in a new world where questions were lined up at the door and I was standing there alone, without all the familiar things surrounding me that I had, for a lifetime at that point, identified with as making me, me. There was no one to hide behind or look to for answers. In college, I had to figure out the road alone.
I spent a lot of time in those short four years discovering who I was, then contemplating who I wanted to be, then modifying what I was, and finally just accepting the person I had been all along.
There are certain traits I have possessed through life as far back as I can remember. Those are the ones I resent from time to time and the ones I've tried, to no avail, to change. They are the traits that become my label no matter how many different groups of friends I make or how many different cities I live in. They make me me. At what point do we fully release any ideas of changing ourselves and just learn to love who we are?
I'm not saying I resent myself or the life that I live. Far from it; I think I've been incredibly blessed with a great life and I'm happy with the person I've become. But, there is that little spark inside me that never goes out; that spark that keeps me striving for more, keeps me standing in the road to change and keeps me looking for what's ahead. In my church there is a well known saying, "God loves you just the way you are, but He loves you too much to keep you there." If that phrase doesn't speak to you then maybe you've heard this next one. It's a pretty popular quote- we even have it painted on the wall of our locker room at the pool. It states, "Shoot for the moon, even if you fall you'll land among the stars." Whether a natural instinct or a God-inspired drive, we all have that spark that keeps us working for more. We know we aren't perfect, we know we never will be, but we don't stop striving for it throughout our lives.
I've gone a little off track here but let me pull it all together. Think back to those five traits. Which of them are characteristics that really identify who you are? They make you you, clear down to the core. Maybe they're things that you've resented from time to time and tried to shake at various phases of life. Maybe they're things that you identified years ago and have learned to cherish through the good and the bad. Now separate them out. Which ones are genuine traits? I mean traits that would stick with you even if you were picked up this very second and dropped off in some other city, of some other country, on some other continent where you had to start all over from scratch. My life's journeys this far have taught me that no matter where you go and no matter who you do life with, those traits will find a way to shine through. I don't think that means we have to like them all the time, I sure resent mine on occasion, but we do have to recognize them as our own. For that fact, I think it's okay to work towards change and to allow that spark to burn. No matter what experiences life brings, no matter what goals we might set our hearts to, we don't really change all that much down at our core. It's our connection to our past and to each other as we live out our own paths of life.
So here's to us! May we learn to love the little details that make us who we are and may we cherish each other for them, even while we strive to grow.
The actual growing up part of my life didn't start until college. I'd faced struggles before, but that was the first time in my life that I faced change completely on my own. I no longer had my parents by my side at the end of each day to step in if things outgrew what I thought I could manage. I had to figure it out. I no longer had my friends by my side, who I'd known for most of my life, who really knew me without having to ask questions. I was in a new world where questions were lined up at the door and I was standing there alone, without all the familiar things surrounding me that I had, for a lifetime at that point, identified with as making me, me. There was no one to hide behind or look to for answers. In college, I had to figure out the road alone.
I spent a lot of time in those short four years discovering who I was, then contemplating who I wanted to be, then modifying what I was, and finally just accepting the person I had been all along.
There are certain traits I have possessed through life as far back as I can remember. Those are the ones I resent from time to time and the ones I've tried, to no avail, to change. They are the traits that become my label no matter how many different groups of friends I make or how many different cities I live in. They make me me. At what point do we fully release any ideas of changing ourselves and just learn to love who we are?
I'm not saying I resent myself or the life that I live. Far from it; I think I've been incredibly blessed with a great life and I'm happy with the person I've become. But, there is that little spark inside me that never goes out; that spark that keeps me striving for more, keeps me standing in the road to change and keeps me looking for what's ahead. In my church there is a well known saying, "God loves you just the way you are, but He loves you too much to keep you there." If that phrase doesn't speak to you then maybe you've heard this next one. It's a pretty popular quote- we even have it painted on the wall of our locker room at the pool. It states, "Shoot for the moon, even if you fall you'll land among the stars." Whether a natural instinct or a God-inspired drive, we all have that spark that keeps us working for more. We know we aren't perfect, we know we never will be, but we don't stop striving for it throughout our lives.
I've gone a little off track here but let me pull it all together. Think back to those five traits. Which of them are characteristics that really identify who you are? They make you you, clear down to the core. Maybe they're things that you've resented from time to time and tried to shake at various phases of life. Maybe they're things that you identified years ago and have learned to cherish through the good and the bad. Now separate them out. Which ones are genuine traits? I mean traits that would stick with you even if you were picked up this very second and dropped off in some other city, of some other country, on some other continent where you had to start all over from scratch. My life's journeys this far have taught me that no matter where you go and no matter who you do life with, those traits will find a way to shine through. I don't think that means we have to like them all the time, I sure resent mine on occasion, but we do have to recognize them as our own. For that fact, I think it's okay to work towards change and to allow that spark to burn. No matter what experiences life brings, no matter what goals we might set our hearts to, we don't really change all that much down at our core. It's our connection to our past and to each other as we live out our own paths of life.
So here's to us! May we learn to love the little details that make us who we are and may we cherish each other for them, even while we strive to grow.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Happy Mother's Day!
I am so grateful for my mom- every day, but especially the day set aside for her when I really stop to reflect on what she means to me. She deserves it. It's funny how much we take for granted as children. Mom's are just doing their jobs. We're so quick to scream about it when things don't go our way and so blind to all the things that run perfectly; all because Mom was there planning, organizing, and doing. As a child I used to be naive enough to think that when I grew up I'd pay her back for everything she did for me. I can't believe all of the sacrifices she made for our family over the years and can't even fathom all of the ones I never knew about. I understand now, as an adult, that it's not about paying back but about paying forward. We take what we learn from our moms and re-invest it in the generations below us. And so the world turns. How blessed I am to have her as my mom. :)
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Decisions
Today was finals for our league meet. Halfway through the meet they took a break for the coaches relay. Each team was supposed to participate. It was a medley which means four people each swam 50 yards- one for each of the four strokes. I took backstroke by default; no one else wanted to swim it. And I got killed. Did I mention I got killed? Ugh so embarrassing. I raced against three guys. One of them swims masters, meaning he goes to actual swim practice before work each morning. The other one is a dedicated gym member, workout plan and all, who has been practicing for today for weeks. The final one lives for swim. And I thought this was just something fun for our athletes. Oh man my stomach was in knots. I miss participating but oh how I had forgotten about how it gets to me. On the up side, I was also nervous about my athletes critiquing me after the fact. I've spent the last four months fine-tuning their strokes and today they all watched me. Luckily none of them said anything. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe they felt sorry for me since I lost. We'll see what comes out on Monday.
I need to get away from the high school world for a bit.
We have five more days of practice and then we head down for playoffs next Saturday. I'm having a lot of difficulty motivating my kids at this point in the season. I can't say I blame them. We've been at it since Feb 1st and swimming isn't exactly the most exciting sport. To make things worse, playoffs are the same day as prom. If getting them to compete for one more week was a difficult task, taking them out of town the morning and afternoon of prom for the last competition is almost impossible. I am so worn out of making them do things they don't want to and being the rule enforcer. I don't know how parents do what they do day in and day out, without an off season. Speaking of off season, water polo starts this week.
To coach or not to coach? I thought I'd made up my mind not to coach polo this upcoming season. My parents never believed it and the other coaches never accepted it. Guess the only one I had convinced was myself, but I've even changed my mind. I want to do it because I like being involved, I love the rush of the crazy schedule, I want to stick with my freshmen and be part of their growth, I want to continue to develop in the sport and be better at it this year, and I enjoy hanging out with the other coaches. I don't want to do it because it takes up so much of my time that I almost reach the point of going crazy. I'm afraid it takes too much away from my real job and I don't feel qualified enough to do it. If I don't coach I will have more time to develop my professional skills, to focus on my students, and to plan out swim season for next year (I'm not giving that up.) At the same time, it's mostly the same kids that participate in polo and swim. I would hate to make them feel like I'm giving up on them. I don't know what to do.
I went out of town last weekend with some amazing friends. It was the perfect weekend get-away. One conversation in particular brought up hobbies. In discussion, I realized I don't really have much to say about them anymore. I don't know what I do outside of teaching and coaching. Even my social life revolves around those two things now. That can't be healthy. So I'm in search of some hobbies. This summer I'm taking a break from teaching. I may or may not be taking a break from coaching (depending on what happens with polo) but even so it won't take up all my time. I need something new to shift my focus to. Any ideas? Suggestions welcomed. :)
I need to get away from the high school world for a bit.
We have five more days of practice and then we head down for playoffs next Saturday. I'm having a lot of difficulty motivating my kids at this point in the season. I can't say I blame them. We've been at it since Feb 1st and swimming isn't exactly the most exciting sport. To make things worse, playoffs are the same day as prom. If getting them to compete for one more week was a difficult task, taking them out of town the morning and afternoon of prom for the last competition is almost impossible. I am so worn out of making them do things they don't want to and being the rule enforcer. I don't know how parents do what they do day in and day out, without an off season. Speaking of off season, water polo starts this week.
To coach or not to coach? I thought I'd made up my mind not to coach polo this upcoming season. My parents never believed it and the other coaches never accepted it. Guess the only one I had convinced was myself, but I've even changed my mind. I want to do it because I like being involved, I love the rush of the crazy schedule, I want to stick with my freshmen and be part of their growth, I want to continue to develop in the sport and be better at it this year, and I enjoy hanging out with the other coaches. I don't want to do it because it takes up so much of my time that I almost reach the point of going crazy. I'm afraid it takes too much away from my real job and I don't feel qualified enough to do it. If I don't coach I will have more time to develop my professional skills, to focus on my students, and to plan out swim season for next year (I'm not giving that up.) At the same time, it's mostly the same kids that participate in polo and swim. I would hate to make them feel like I'm giving up on them. I don't know what to do.
I went out of town last weekend with some amazing friends. It was the perfect weekend get-away. One conversation in particular brought up hobbies. In discussion, I realized I don't really have much to say about them anymore. I don't know what I do outside of teaching and coaching. Even my social life revolves around those two things now. That can't be healthy. So I'm in search of some hobbies. This summer I'm taking a break from teaching. I may or may not be taking a break from coaching (depending on what happens with polo) but even so it won't take up all my time. I need something new to shift my focus to. Any ideas? Suggestions welcomed. :)
Sunday, April 11, 2010
A little of this, a little of that
I no longer wish to be a Medical Examiner. I just saw the Y-incision made on a corpse and realized it's more than I can handle. Darn, I thought dead bodies would be easier to work with than live ones. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not trying to be insensitive to life, I'm simply fascinated with the medical field. Guess I should stick to invertebrate dissections for now.
Does anyone read Patricia Cornwell? I love her writing! They've now made movies from her novels. I recorded one last night but haven't watched it yet. I can't read the books at night because they freak me out so I haven't braved the movie just yet. I hate scary movies, but her novels are forensic mysteries that I can't put down. I must see for myself if the movie comes even close to measuring up. It's times like this when I get a little bit sad about living by myself. I'm a pretty realistic person (aside from my adventures) but how could I possibly watch something like that and then sleep through the night? Not very likely.
...
Last weekend I went to Santa Barbara to visit some friends. By the time I got back home I had my mind made up that I was going to move there for the summer and take some classes. I walked through the campus with a friend during my visit and was overwhelmed with a longing to be exposed to that academic environment again. It's amazing that I can be away from it for four years, but the second I step back onto campus I'm overcome with a yearning to submerse myself back into that culture. In theory I had it all worked out; the courses, the living situation, what to do about things here, how long it would last... For a week I kept the idea alive, and then I let it go. Who was I kidding? Just myself for a week's time. No matter how hard I try to keep myself from growing roots, little by little I'm getting tied down. I hate growing up.
Tomorrow is back to the grind. Working 60+ hours every week has finally taken its toll. Lately I begin and end my weeks just looking forward to the weekends. Is that what life is like? I know a lot of people can relate to that feeling, but I always promised myself I wouldn't be one of them. I wonder if it's just because I'm reaching the end of the year. A large part of me is excited to send my seniors out into the world. Man they're tough to deal with day after day at this point in the year. I'm pretty sure I was no different. On the most challenging days, I think back to what I must have put my teachers through and feel so sorry for them. This must be the punishment I deserve. Haha. Most of me is excited to send them out and to see what they become (okay and part of me is excited just to send them on to something new) but there's also part of me that gets a little bit sad when I think about it. For the handful of them who I have grown close to over the past two years, it's a bittersweet time to think that soon they will be moving on.
Friday night I went out to dinner with four sets of parents who have seniors currently in my classes, and one of the other coaches. Listening to the parents talk to each other about their kids and what kinds of changes this next year will bring to their family dynamics was quite touching, and also kind of sad. I don't think I could possibly get any closer to parenting without becoming one myself. I love my students. Every last one of them. But the more I teach, the more I wonder if the lifestyle that society expects of me is really the lifestyle that I want for myself. Do I have the energy it takes to commit to someone for a lifetime or to raise other lives for the rest of mine? Marriage and children is the happily ever after dream that every little girl aspires to, but the more grown up I become the less appeal it has. I'm just not sure.
...
In these next five days I have a staff meeting to train for testing, an AVID meeting to discuss certification, a BTSA meeting to wrap up strand 2 of my portfolio (including several reports I've yet to write), bible study, a swim meet, team pictures, a swim tournament, and three letters of recommendation to write. Lucky for me I ended up having to cancel the field trip to Monterey Bay Aquarium that was planned for tomorrow and Open House got moved from next Monday to next month. Next week, though, I have an awards banquet dinner to attend for one of my athletes, Club Lunch to coordinate with my team, timers to find and train for our only home swim meet of the season, Senior Day to plan (including gifts for all 15 of them), and three days of state testing to proctor. Heaven help us make it through April.
So. I'm in need of some fun time. For once I don't want to learn anything new. I don't want to be the mature, professional adult. I don't want to be the mom or the overachiever or take care of everyone else or even worry about tomorrow. For a short bit of time, somewhere between now and five days from now, I just want to have fun. What can I do this week that's all play and no work? Even if just for 30 minutes, I need to find something to look forward to in this long week ahead. Something that will make me smile and will stop my mind's wheels from turning 100mph, even if just for 30 minutes. Something that will make me laugh- long and hard. Stay tuned next weekend for an update on what I did to achieve this nonsense, but oh-so-important, new short term goal of mine. :)
This is me reporting out from the base of another 60 hour climb. Have a great week!
Does anyone read Patricia Cornwell? I love her writing! They've now made movies from her novels. I recorded one last night but haven't watched it yet. I can't read the books at night because they freak me out so I haven't braved the movie just yet. I hate scary movies, but her novels are forensic mysteries that I can't put down. I must see for myself if the movie comes even close to measuring up. It's times like this when I get a little bit sad about living by myself. I'm a pretty realistic person (aside from my adventures) but how could I possibly watch something like that and then sleep through the night? Not very likely.
...
Last weekend I went to Santa Barbara to visit some friends. By the time I got back home I had my mind made up that I was going to move there for the summer and take some classes. I walked through the campus with a friend during my visit and was overwhelmed with a longing to be exposed to that academic environment again. It's amazing that I can be away from it for four years, but the second I step back onto campus I'm overcome with a yearning to submerse myself back into that culture. In theory I had it all worked out; the courses, the living situation, what to do about things here, how long it would last... For a week I kept the idea alive, and then I let it go. Who was I kidding? Just myself for a week's time. No matter how hard I try to keep myself from growing roots, little by little I'm getting tied down. I hate growing up.
Tomorrow is back to the grind. Working 60+ hours every week has finally taken its toll. Lately I begin and end my weeks just looking forward to the weekends. Is that what life is like? I know a lot of people can relate to that feeling, but I always promised myself I wouldn't be one of them. I wonder if it's just because I'm reaching the end of the year. A large part of me is excited to send my seniors out into the world. Man they're tough to deal with day after day at this point in the year. I'm pretty sure I was no different. On the most challenging days, I think back to what I must have put my teachers through and feel so sorry for them. This must be the punishment I deserve. Haha. Most of me is excited to send them out and to see what they become (okay and part of me is excited just to send them on to something new) but there's also part of me that gets a little bit sad when I think about it. For the handful of them who I have grown close to over the past two years, it's a bittersweet time to think that soon they will be moving on.
Friday night I went out to dinner with four sets of parents who have seniors currently in my classes, and one of the other coaches. Listening to the parents talk to each other about their kids and what kinds of changes this next year will bring to their family dynamics was quite touching, and also kind of sad. I don't think I could possibly get any closer to parenting without becoming one myself. I love my students. Every last one of them. But the more I teach, the more I wonder if the lifestyle that society expects of me is really the lifestyle that I want for myself. Do I have the energy it takes to commit to someone for a lifetime or to raise other lives for the rest of mine? Marriage and children is the happily ever after dream that every little girl aspires to, but the more grown up I become the less appeal it has. I'm just not sure.
...
In these next five days I have a staff meeting to train for testing, an AVID meeting to discuss certification, a BTSA meeting to wrap up strand 2 of my portfolio (including several reports I've yet to write), bible study, a swim meet, team pictures, a swim tournament, and three letters of recommendation to write. Lucky for me I ended up having to cancel the field trip to Monterey Bay Aquarium that was planned for tomorrow and Open House got moved from next Monday to next month. Next week, though, I have an awards banquet dinner to attend for one of my athletes, Club Lunch to coordinate with my team, timers to find and train for our only home swim meet of the season, Senior Day to plan (including gifts for all 15 of them), and three days of state testing to proctor. Heaven help us make it through April.
So. I'm in need of some fun time. For once I don't want to learn anything new. I don't want to be the mature, professional adult. I don't want to be the mom or the overachiever or take care of everyone else or even worry about tomorrow. For a short bit of time, somewhere between now and five days from now, I just want to have fun. What can I do this week that's all play and no work? Even if just for 30 minutes, I need to find something to look forward to in this long week ahead. Something that will make me smile and will stop my mind's wheels from turning 100mph, even if just for 30 minutes. Something that will make me laugh- long and hard. Stay tuned next weekend for an update on what I did to achieve this nonsense, but oh-so-important, new short term goal of mine. :)
This is me reporting out from the base of another 60 hour climb. Have a great week!
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Busy
Have you ever been given a book that you just put up on a shelf? Months or even years later you pick it up and open to a random page, maybe for the first time. To your surprise, the book speaks directly to something current in your life. Have you ever been surprised by the "coincidence" of that occurrence?
I have.
Today I picked up a book called, "The Difference Maker" by John Maxwell. He's very inspirational but I'd never taken the time to look at this book until today. It was a gift from my college when I graduated with my credential. Motivational writing is so encouraging, but it's not the kind of reading you sit down and read cover to cover. This book is no different. It's great to pick up and read a page or two at a time for a quick pick-me-up. Anyway, curiosity got the best of me today and as I thumbed through the pages I stumbled upon a quote I really enjoyed. "Problems are wake-up calls for creativity." Isn't that amazing?!
I've been suffering from a bad attitude lately. It's a combination of being too busy and a realization that about a third of my students are far below the expectations I have for them. To me, that's incredibly discouraging. Should I lower my bar? No! Have I? Yes. That's the discouraging part. I need to get creative. Lately it has felt like defeat and I've allowed it to get the best of me. However, now I'm on spring break with a week to refresh and the wheels are spinning with new ideas. I have to get past this crabby outlook and get back to being a motivated person.
So. I have a multitude of new opportunities that have presented themselves lately. I have also learned the hard way that I am not superwoman and can physically, mentally, and emotionally only juggle so many things at once. I would like to write an overview of some of the things at the top of the list. Anyone who takes the time to read this, I would definitely value your perspective and your prayers.
I am going to AP training for a week this summer to become certified to teach an AP course. I spoke to my principal about it and was assured that I won't be thrown into that position next year. He said he wants me to train now, while the district is willing to sponsor it, so that I am ready down the line. Check one.
He also asked me if I would be willing to teach an original credit Biology GATE course this summer. It would be accelerated- two weeks, fourteen days, six hours each day, one class. And then a second time. I think it's a crazy idea and turned it down. Check two. I'm honored that he believes in me enough to ask me to take it on, but there's just too much information to learn in a semester's worth of general biology and I don't think it's wise for 13-14 year old kids to try to learn it in two weeks. I also don't think it's practical for us, as adults, to think they will remember any of it after it has been crammed into their heads. And for once, I know for a fact that I cannot possibly keep up on grading 84 hours worth of class work in two weeks. Currently I have three boxes of lab notebooks and a six inch stack of loose papers sitting in my home office waiting to be graded. Ouch.
Last summer I was sent to the AVID training for a week, which landed me a position on the AVID site team as a core teacher. They need me on the paperwork in order to be certified in AVID. That has basically meant a lunch time meeting once a month throughout the school year. Last week there were two meetings and after break there is an official one with some of the county advisers. It's not a big deal. I like the other teachers that I'm on the team with and I've learned some great strategies from the program that have benefited my classroom. However, I was told last week that my name keeps coming up as a potential elective teacher next year. That would mean I would teach an AVID class for one period. Again, I'm honored that they have so much faith in me, but I don't want it. While I think AVID is an amazing program and fully support what it's doing, I want to move up in intellectual level and AVID would not send me down that path. There is another teacher in my department who loves the program and really wants the position. I've done my best to bring attention to her, with hope that she will get it. Check three.
Last semester I coached water polo. I played in middle and high school, so I know the sport, but throughout the season I never felt confident enough to be coaching it. We had a poor season with mostly loses, but my lack of coaching experience coupled with the fact we barely had enough boys to make a team and almost all of them were first time freshman players- I don't think anyone expected much. They grew a lot through the season and I'm still extremely proud of them but I've informed the other coaches that I'm not coaching this next school year. They haven't accepted my resignation yet and I'm already starting to have second thoughts about it. Ahhh why do I do this to myself? I love it, but during season I get so burned out. Polo season means 12 hour minimum work days plus tournaments almost every Saturday. It's no wonder we're like a family by the end of the three month season. Check... three and a half.
Right now I'm in the middle of swim season. I was given a head coach position this year. I love it and I definitely have confidence in it (We had our first league meet last week and both varsity teams won!) but the time commitment is no different. This is partly the reason for my grumpiness these past few weeks. Two weeks ago I worked 70 hours. Last week was 60. I'm tired. Thank you spring break for your eagerly anticipated arrival! Any of you who think teachers have too much time off- I've already worked over 40 hours/week for the month of March. We're even. Anyway, this isn't really an opportunity since it's already underway. I just need to figure out how to maximize my time even more so that I can catch up and then stay caught up on everything. Do you have any ideas? Check four.
The district has hired an outside consultant, who they assigned to my school. My principal assigned her to my department chair and me. Her job is to connect us with community resources to enrich our science program. My principal wants us to amp up (no pun intended) our department and he thinks my department chair and myself can make it happen. He told us to think big and not to limit ourselves. It's amazing and I only wish I had the time necessary to work with her to pull it off. We haven't even been able to schedule a meeting between the three of us over the past four weeks. My principal agreed to provide us with subs for a day so that we would have the time needed to plan. I just need to work it out with my calendar to figure out when I could leave my students without compromising the pace of my units. So much strategy! Our latest idea is something along the lines of "The Biggest Loser" which would focus on physiology, but also tie in with nutrition and then present it in competition form to encourage students to take action. The ideas are great, but we have a ton of work to do to pull it off. It's very exciting! Check five.
My department chair and I have also been discussing, over the past several months, ideas for starting some sort of science club. Sounds nerdy, I know, but hear me out. There are a ton more things we wish we could do with/expose our students to but we have a lack of time and resources. Starting a club would eliminate students who aren't interested and open up more possibilities like field trips and guest speakers, without competing for classroom minutes (which are carefully correlated to state testing). Through a club we could connect with community organizations and expose our students to things on a broader scale, and at a higher level. It might open up interning opportunities and would definitely provide them with skills in business relations. As the advisers, we would figure out where the majority interests lie and then we'd already have community resources in place, to then align with our classroom lessons. It sounds perfect, we just have to pull it off. Perhaps a summer of planning will help. Check six.
I have one more idea that is currently in the making. It involves one of my classes and my desperate attempt to improve what I feel like is a failed year. I don't think I can really go into details over the internet on this but it has been a challenging year and a direct tie to my bad moods lately. Anyway, in a couple of weeks we will be taking our second field trip. I can't be blamed for not trying. I am also working on a big end of the year project. More on that once I have more of the details in place. Check seven.
So, this is my life. Maybe I get myself into too many things at once. Maybe my intentions are better than my products. Maybe I'm crazy. Definitely the last one. The point is, I've been incredibly blessed to have so many opportunities cross my path. Now it is time for me to learn how to make choices and to say no. I'm working on accepting that I can't do everything. Oh but I want to!
PS- Here's another quote that I liked from my book:
"The person interested in success has to learn to view failure as a healthy, inevitable part of the process of getting to the top." -Joyce Brothers
I have.
Today I picked up a book called, "The Difference Maker" by John Maxwell. He's very inspirational but I'd never taken the time to look at this book until today. It was a gift from my college when I graduated with my credential. Motivational writing is so encouraging, but it's not the kind of reading you sit down and read cover to cover. This book is no different. It's great to pick up and read a page or two at a time for a quick pick-me-up. Anyway, curiosity got the best of me today and as I thumbed through the pages I stumbled upon a quote I really enjoyed. "Problems are wake-up calls for creativity." Isn't that amazing?!
I've been suffering from a bad attitude lately. It's a combination of being too busy and a realization that about a third of my students are far below the expectations I have for them. To me, that's incredibly discouraging. Should I lower my bar? No! Have I? Yes. That's the discouraging part. I need to get creative. Lately it has felt like defeat and I've allowed it to get the best of me. However, now I'm on spring break with a week to refresh and the wheels are spinning with new ideas. I have to get past this crabby outlook and get back to being a motivated person.
So. I have a multitude of new opportunities that have presented themselves lately. I have also learned the hard way that I am not superwoman and can physically, mentally, and emotionally only juggle so many things at once. I would like to write an overview of some of the things at the top of the list. Anyone who takes the time to read this, I would definitely value your perspective and your prayers.
I am going to AP training for a week this summer to become certified to teach an AP course. I spoke to my principal about it and was assured that I won't be thrown into that position next year. He said he wants me to train now, while the district is willing to sponsor it, so that I am ready down the line. Check one.
He also asked me if I would be willing to teach an original credit Biology GATE course this summer. It would be accelerated- two weeks, fourteen days, six hours each day, one class. And then a second time. I think it's a crazy idea and turned it down. Check two. I'm honored that he believes in me enough to ask me to take it on, but there's just too much information to learn in a semester's worth of general biology and I don't think it's wise for 13-14 year old kids to try to learn it in two weeks. I also don't think it's practical for us, as adults, to think they will remember any of it after it has been crammed into their heads. And for once, I know for a fact that I cannot possibly keep up on grading 84 hours worth of class work in two weeks. Currently I have three boxes of lab notebooks and a six inch stack of loose papers sitting in my home office waiting to be graded. Ouch.
Last summer I was sent to the AVID training for a week, which landed me a position on the AVID site team as a core teacher. They need me on the paperwork in order to be certified in AVID. That has basically meant a lunch time meeting once a month throughout the school year. Last week there were two meetings and after break there is an official one with some of the county advisers. It's not a big deal. I like the other teachers that I'm on the team with and I've learned some great strategies from the program that have benefited my classroom. However, I was told last week that my name keeps coming up as a potential elective teacher next year. That would mean I would teach an AVID class for one period. Again, I'm honored that they have so much faith in me, but I don't want it. While I think AVID is an amazing program and fully support what it's doing, I want to move up in intellectual level and AVID would not send me down that path. There is another teacher in my department who loves the program and really wants the position. I've done my best to bring attention to her, with hope that she will get it. Check three.
Last semester I coached water polo. I played in middle and high school, so I know the sport, but throughout the season I never felt confident enough to be coaching it. We had a poor season with mostly loses, but my lack of coaching experience coupled with the fact we barely had enough boys to make a team and almost all of them were first time freshman players- I don't think anyone expected much. They grew a lot through the season and I'm still extremely proud of them but I've informed the other coaches that I'm not coaching this next school year. They haven't accepted my resignation yet and I'm already starting to have second thoughts about it. Ahhh why do I do this to myself? I love it, but during season I get so burned out. Polo season means 12 hour minimum work days plus tournaments almost every Saturday. It's no wonder we're like a family by the end of the three month season. Check... three and a half.
Right now I'm in the middle of swim season. I was given a head coach position this year. I love it and I definitely have confidence in it (We had our first league meet last week and both varsity teams won!) but the time commitment is no different. This is partly the reason for my grumpiness these past few weeks. Two weeks ago I worked 70 hours. Last week was 60. I'm tired. Thank you spring break for your eagerly anticipated arrival! Any of you who think teachers have too much time off- I've already worked over 40 hours/week for the month of March. We're even. Anyway, this isn't really an opportunity since it's already underway. I just need to figure out how to maximize my time even more so that I can catch up and then stay caught up on everything. Do you have any ideas? Check four.
The district has hired an outside consultant, who they assigned to my school. My principal assigned her to my department chair and me. Her job is to connect us with community resources to enrich our science program. My principal wants us to amp up (no pun intended) our department and he thinks my department chair and myself can make it happen. He told us to think big and not to limit ourselves. It's amazing and I only wish I had the time necessary to work with her to pull it off. We haven't even been able to schedule a meeting between the three of us over the past four weeks. My principal agreed to provide us with subs for a day so that we would have the time needed to plan. I just need to work it out with my calendar to figure out when I could leave my students without compromising the pace of my units. So much strategy! Our latest idea is something along the lines of "The Biggest Loser" which would focus on physiology, but also tie in with nutrition and then present it in competition form to encourage students to take action. The ideas are great, but we have a ton of work to do to pull it off. It's very exciting! Check five.
My department chair and I have also been discussing, over the past several months, ideas for starting some sort of science club. Sounds nerdy, I know, but hear me out. There are a ton more things we wish we could do with/expose our students to but we have a lack of time and resources. Starting a club would eliminate students who aren't interested and open up more possibilities like field trips and guest speakers, without competing for classroom minutes (which are carefully correlated to state testing). Through a club we could connect with community organizations and expose our students to things on a broader scale, and at a higher level. It might open up interning opportunities and would definitely provide them with skills in business relations. As the advisers, we would figure out where the majority interests lie and then we'd already have community resources in place, to then align with our classroom lessons. It sounds perfect, we just have to pull it off. Perhaps a summer of planning will help. Check six.
I have one more idea that is currently in the making. It involves one of my classes and my desperate attempt to improve what I feel like is a failed year. I don't think I can really go into details over the internet on this but it has been a challenging year and a direct tie to my bad moods lately. Anyway, in a couple of weeks we will be taking our second field trip. I can't be blamed for not trying. I am also working on a big end of the year project. More on that once I have more of the details in place. Check seven.
So, this is my life. Maybe I get myself into too many things at once. Maybe my intentions are better than my products. Maybe I'm crazy. Definitely the last one. The point is, I've been incredibly blessed to have so many opportunities cross my path. Now it is time for me to learn how to make choices and to say no. I'm working on accepting that I can't do everything. Oh but I want to!
PS- Here's another quote that I liked from my book:
"The person interested in success has to learn to view failure as a healthy, inevitable part of the process of getting to the top." -Joyce Brothers
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Dream
Do you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up? As a young child I mean. Not the realistic "dream" you figured out when you were a "kid" in college, but the wildly, daring, unlimited, unimaginable dream you had for yourself when you were small enough to believe anything was possible. I wanted to be a marine biologist from the time I was eight. I had it all figured out and I pursued that clear up through my bachelors degree. It started out innocent, but it was my reality "dream" job that actually came true until I realized one day I had changed my mind. Parallel to that, through all of those years, I also wanted to be a writer. My teachers were supportive, providing ample opportunities for story writing. It's embarrassing now to look back over the ones my mom saved for me. Funny how most of my main characters ended up as dolphins and whales and sea anemones and sharks. Children see no limits. I wanted two things and I found a way to make them both happen. Of course my parents were supportive too. Besides saving my work, they enrolled me in a creative writing class, they bought me journal after journal and limitless supplies of paper and pencils and markers and what not. They fed my ego through school and they kept me going throughout the summer months. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of that. Somewhere along the way life happened and, as we all know the inevitable, I grew up.
Would you say it's intuitive that we all strive for success? Is it ingrained in all of us or is it a character trait of some of us? Do we all want to be the best we can be; willing to work hard to get there? I don't know, but I know it's true for me. I miss the college realm; of being surrounded every day by academics. I miss the belief that anything is possible and the feeling of no fear in the face of a mountain. I miss my college friends who maintained those same beliefs right beside me, who celebrated my victories and shared theirs with me- leaping at opportunities and calculating the jump from midair. I miss that perfect world where society's expectations couldn't touch us, couldn't box us in and force us to move in the same direction as everyone else.
I should be happy that things are taking flight and that the goals I had for myself are happening faster than I had anticipated. Why then is my excitement replaced by anxiety? Why am I not ecstatic that new doors are opening right in front of me? Why don't I feel as confident on the inside as what I apparently portray on the outside?
I've been thinking a lot about all of this and I've decided it comes down to Change. People have told me before that I don't do well with Change. I always disagreed. I have myself convinced that I love Change and that I seek it out to keep life interesting. Now I know that both are true. I do enjoy it- when I seek it out. I do love it- when I'm in control of when and how it works. My life is perfectly calculated and when I anticipate those Changes- their costs their benefits their steps- I welcome them with open arms. It's in the times when Change smacks me in the face that I tend to fall apart. Don't we all? It's that feeling of wanting to duck, but acting too late. You end up with a fat lip or a bloody nose and that's all you have to show for it until you heal. It's not until after you've picked yourself up and moved on that you can show off the scar as something to be proud of; something you've overcome. Ask me, I have one or two.
And so I'm walking into Change yet again; ready to do battle, ready to take on new scars for the blows it throws me that I can't yet see coming. I'm walking in so that it hits me in the face rather than the back. I want to see the scars.
The ocean is a world I can understand. In that realm, the animals with the biggest scars are the ones who have the most experience. They've been around a while, they've gone places that others haven't, they've done things that others won't. That's what I want. If scars represent overcoming fear of the unknown and stretching oneself to the limit, if they mean breaking free of the boundaries set upon us by society's expectations, then that's what I want. I'm tired but I'm ready for the fight. Who decided that as adults, we have to stop dreaming?
Would you say it's intuitive that we all strive for success? Is it ingrained in all of us or is it a character trait of some of us? Do we all want to be the best we can be; willing to work hard to get there? I don't know, but I know it's true for me. I miss the college realm; of being surrounded every day by academics. I miss the belief that anything is possible and the feeling of no fear in the face of a mountain. I miss my college friends who maintained those same beliefs right beside me, who celebrated my victories and shared theirs with me- leaping at opportunities and calculating the jump from midair. I miss that perfect world where society's expectations couldn't touch us, couldn't box us in and force us to move in the same direction as everyone else.
I should be happy that things are taking flight and that the goals I had for myself are happening faster than I had anticipated. Why then is my excitement replaced by anxiety? Why am I not ecstatic that new doors are opening right in front of me? Why don't I feel as confident on the inside as what I apparently portray on the outside?
I've been thinking a lot about all of this and I've decided it comes down to Change. People have told me before that I don't do well with Change. I always disagreed. I have myself convinced that I love Change and that I seek it out to keep life interesting. Now I know that both are true. I do enjoy it- when I seek it out. I do love it- when I'm in control of when and how it works. My life is perfectly calculated and when I anticipate those Changes- their costs their benefits their steps- I welcome them with open arms. It's in the times when Change smacks me in the face that I tend to fall apart. Don't we all? It's that feeling of wanting to duck, but acting too late. You end up with a fat lip or a bloody nose and that's all you have to show for it until you heal. It's not until after you've picked yourself up and moved on that you can show off the scar as something to be proud of; something you've overcome. Ask me, I have one or two.
And so I'm walking into Change yet again; ready to do battle, ready to take on new scars for the blows it throws me that I can't yet see coming. I'm walking in so that it hits me in the face rather than the back. I want to see the scars.
The ocean is a world I can understand. In that realm, the animals with the biggest scars are the ones who have the most experience. They've been around a while, they've gone places that others haven't, they've done things that others won't. That's what I want. If scars represent overcoming fear of the unknown and stretching oneself to the limit, if they mean breaking free of the boundaries set upon us by society's expectations, then that's what I want. I'm tired but I'm ready for the fight. Who decided that as adults, we have to stop dreaming?
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